


I love, I love a little calendar Bot

by Steena



Series: Maintaining peace [1]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Calender, Drinking, Gen, Humor, Optimus has a hell of a day, Pranks, Ridiculousness, Seekers being funny, streaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 16:51:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7692181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Steena/pseuds/Steena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war is over and the Autobots and the Decepticons alike are trying to settle in on earth. Boredom sets in and ridiculousness ensues.</p><p>Why are there intoxicated seekers on the Autobot base?<br/>How will the Autobots solve their money shortage?<br/>What is Megatron and Optimus doing when everyone is behaving like morons?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I love, I love a little calendar Bot

**Author's Note:**

> I see this as a bayverse thing but borrowed a few extra characters because I needed more.

"Fuck this! This is slag! We can _never_ do anything fun!" Sideswipe threw his hands in the air and stormed out.

"No need for expletives. Cybertronian or Earthly." Optimus chided him as the door slammed shut.

He heaved a deep vent. There was restlessness and irritation brewing in the Autobot base. The peace with both the Decepticons and the humans was holding up well so far, a good thing considering the last battle had blown up the only ship able to cross deep space. It was 'fubar' as Sideswipe so eloquently put it when they negotiated the peace.

Optimus snorted at the memory. Tensions had been running high when 'bots and the 'cons met, neither side happy being stuck on earth with the other faction on the same planet. At least they had come up with an acceptable contract for the peace and was about to sign it after a status report from both teams. At the mention of the state of the _Nemesis_ , Sideswipe had let the human expression slip and the Decepticons had gone still for seconds, obviously searching the internet for the meaning.

Skywarp had cackled a laugh, actually highfiving Sideswipe, and it prompted Starscream to launch into a rant, proving why he had gotten his designation in the first place. Everybody winced at the grating sound, Thundercracker rolled his optics, and Starscream was even more outraged by that. The screaming came to an abrupt end when Megatron slammed his fist down, breaking the table. Optimus had face palmed and dragged his hand down his face in exasperation, but startled when Sounwaves field flared out and touched him, filled with mirth. The spy was shaking and Optimus was shocked to realize the normally unreadable mech was actually laughing.

So, here they were. Stranded, but the humans had graciously offered them an old warehouse for a base. They got energon, limited and a rather low quality, but enough until they could get their own manufacturing up and running. They got some of the human varieties of fuel. All handouts.

And everyone seemed bored out of their processors. Sure, they still kept an eye on the 'cons, but that didn't take nearly the amount of time and effort it used to because, surprising as it was, the Decepticons seemed equally invested in keeping the peace.

They could use some more furniture. Sides and Bumblebee had asked for a PlayStation and a big screen TV. Most of them could really need to do a few laps around a racetrack. Maybe extra tires, for some cross country driving. What the 'bots needed was money.

Optimus rubbed his face wearily. He had taken some stray jobs, hauling cargo, to get some extra cash. It wasn't nearly enough, though. He needed a better idea.

'Yo, boss! You need to see this.' Jazz's comm startled him. He scrambled out of his chair, almost tripping on his own feet in his hurry, heading for the surveillance station. Well, the closet with their monitors. It was a welcome distraction, even as his spark thudded. _Was it the 'cons?_

He entered the room to find Jazz with his back to the door, leaning his hands on the table. The spec ops mech was shaking with laughter. The sound feed from the surveillance system was on and Optimus heard muffled singing. He stepped up next to Jazz.

Ironhide and Mikaela was standing on their heads against the wall in the rec room, trying to push at bottles lined up on a couple of tables with their feet and pedes. Well, Mikaela had bottles on her table and Ironhide had huge plastic jugs. Both were singing, but it was more like articulate humming and broken by giggles. Obviously they tried to make each other lose focus because they were making faces. Optimus grinned. He listened to the song.

'Eleven bottles of booze on the wall, eleven bottles of booze. Kick 'em, if one would happen to fall: ten little bottles of booze on the wall...'

Mikaela managed to knock a bottle over and both clumsily dropped from their upside down poses, Mikaela fist pumping and hooting. She grabbed the bottle, drank a few gulps and left the bottle on the floor. The weapons master laughed at the faces she made at the taste. Optimus googled the song to try to determine what game they were playing and when he found the explanation for the word 'booze' his amusement faded.

"They are drinking!" He stormed out, Jazz hot on his heals, surprised at the shift in mood. "Where did they even get something both of them can ingest?"

"I don't know, sir. But what...?" Jazz seemed to straighten up a tad at the Prime's disapproval, even though he didn't understand why.

Sideswipe came out of a corridor from the side, obviously having heard at least part of what Optimus had said. He followed them, field flaring with curiosity.

They more or less barged through the door, and before Optimus could even open his mouth, a pillow smacked into his face.

"Oops! Sorry, Op! I totally aimed for Hide's face." Mikaela giggled.

Sideswipe snorted. In that case, she had missed by two yards.

"This is unacceptable! Ironhide! I thought you'd know better."

"Well we were a little bored and then we watched moonshiners on TV and then we saw Pirates of the Caribbean and, well, here we are." To his credit, Ironhide looked a little guilty. Maybe.

Optimus grabbed the bottles, handing most of them to Jazz. He opened one to sniff it.

"Ugh, this smells worse than stove fuel in some unnamed backwater. Where did you get that?"

"Oh, come _on_! Give it back!" Mikaela got up, swaying.

"No. You, young lady, are _underage_. I will not allow this."

"You know, I'm a _teenager_! This is the kind of shit we do! I'll just go drink somewhere else. Where there aren't huge, armed mechs to protect me." She cocked her hip challengingly.

"I am not changing my mind on this. I will _not_ condone this kind of behavior under my roof." Optimus crossed his arms.

"You are _not_ my father!" Mikaela screeched, coming surprisingly close to Starscream levels with her voice. She stormed off.

"Really, Prime?" Ironhide growled and followed the furious girl.

Optimus exvented heavily. Sometimes he almost missed the war. That, he knew how to deal with.

"Jazz, please get rid of that."

"Yes sir."

Jazz knew when to push and when not to. Optimus missed the little devious smirk on the spy's face.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, Optimus rose from the chair in his office. He was getting a helmache and his systems pinged at him to refuel. He planned to get a few cubes of energon and retire to his own room, maybe watch one of the movies the humans liked to watch, until he slipped into recharge.

The corridor was quiet, unusually so. There was almost always a mech or two going somewhere or up to something. He stopped to listen. Some sounds from the rec room carried over. Probably an impromptu movie night. He felt a pang of sadness and loneliness. Nobody had asked him if he wanted to join.

He continued down the hall, startling to a stop when he heard doors slam open, as if someone rammed their way through them. The sounds from the rec room flooded the hallway, so much noise it was hard to distinguish anything. Except hooting, hollering, catcalling and quick pedesteps.

He pressed himself against the wall as a melee charged around the corner. He recognized Sunstreaker and Sideswipe almost right away, even though _none of them wore any armor._ Hot on their heels was... Who? Was that... _Thrust?!_

His attention shifted as he spotted Mikaela, _sans clothes._

"Go, fleshie!" One of the other not yet identified mechs yelled, surging forward and grabbing the girl. She squealed and they _disappeared,_ just to appear in front of the others.

"Sky, we're winning!" She shouted.

 _Skywarp._ And then he realized that the sixth member of the group was Dirge. There were _three seekers_ inside their base. And everyone was running around naked? Was he having a fitful defrag?

More hooting and a high pitched shriek from Mikaela sounded from the rec room and then the sounds muffled again as the door slammed shut. The herd must've reached their destination. He stomped off towards the rec room to find out what the actual _frag_ was going on when blaster fire and shouting outside had him spinning and running outside instead, guns heating up.

His processors frantic work screeched to a halt and so did his frame when he ripped around the corner of the building, toward Ironhide's bellowing voice.

"Don't you just _stand_ there, taunting me. I've _seen_ you eyeball my woman and I won't have any of it. Now stand up and take it like a mech!"

Optimus didn't know if he should be horrified or laugh his aft off. Ironhide was yelling at Mikaela's car. The sunburned, banged up and decidedly not sentient little Honda civic sat in the parking lot, not fighting back for obvious reasons. _No more movies for that mech._ He thought amusedly.

He startled when Ironhide shot at the car, missing by three yards and stumbling back, knocked on his aft by the minimal recoil. Lunging forward he pressed the cannon down before the irate weapons specialist could fire again and put another hole in the parking lot.

"Okay, that's enough. I am pretty sure this vehicle hasn't even been thinking about taking 'your woman.'"

Ironhide grunted and Optimus helped him up. This close, it was obvious that the mech reeked of the crude alcohol Optimus had confiscated earlier. He gently guided his wobbly friend toward the base.

"Don't you forget this!" Ironhide growled and rounded, haphazardly firing a shot. The recoil knocked him to the ground once again, his unsteady legs giving out under him. He fell into recharge as soon as he hit the ground.

He had blown up the tire and parts of the suspension. Optimus made a mental facepalm, staring at the broken car. He'd seen that the bumper was fragged up, probably from a lucky shot before he arrived to break up the 'brawl', and now even more of the car was missing. Mikaela would be furious. And how would they even pay her back?

He turned back to the passed out mech on the ground. Sighing, he bent to pick him up to carry his heavy aft to berth but a piercing shriek that was undoubtedly Mikaela, if Starscream wasn't around somewhere too, had him racing back to the rec room, which seemed to be the epicenter of the ongoing trainwreck. He entered cautiously, but not a single mech seemed to notice.

Thankfully, they had put some of their armor back on, everyone had interface panels at least, and Mikaela was dressed in shorts and a bra. Dirge had her t-shirt on his hand, kind of like a mitten. Thrust was wearing Sideswipe's doors.

Mikaela, Bumblebee, Wheelie and Thrust were engaged in some kind of a game. When a signal beeped, all of them jumped as they hurried to press a button and one of them got... _Got electrocuted?!_ What kind of a sick game was that? Mikaela and Bumblebee doubled over laughing when Thrust fell to the floor, twitching and keening.

"Not fair!" Thrust exvented sharply as he turned to Mikaela. "Your carbon body doesn't react as much as our frames does..." He hummed to himself. "Actually, it's kind of nice afterwards, almost like building charge. Or after an overload, I can't decide which. You should put it somewhere... more sensitive." He leered.

"Nipple. That thing ain't going nowhere near my pussy." She pinched Thrust's sensitive protoform and the seeker squawked. "Frelling pervert!" She shouted and burst out laughing again.

Optimus optics widened at her coarse language. Movement in his peripheral vision caught his attention before he could get his bearings enough to interfere with the game. He turned his helm and his engine stuttered when he saw Jazz straddling Skywarp on the couch. Servos were pawing everywhere and their kisses were sloppy and heated. He looked away, his face heating. Nobot else seemed to notice or care. He looked around and to his relief, everybot seemed to have deposited their weapons in the corner. He gathered them up, and gathered as many of the bottles still containing alcohol as he could, and left to lock them away somewhere safe.

Sideswipe barreled toward him in the hallway. And once again, Optimus pressed himself to the wall, afraid of the mayhem a head on collision with the frontliner would cause.

"Look, bossbot, I can _fly_!"

Sideswipe ran past him flicking... _Was that Thrust's wings?!_ Optimus shook his head. Why did he even get surprised anymore? He hurried away to dispose of the things he was carrying, planning to return once more and subtly get the rest of the alcohol. He silently fumed at Jazz. He had told the mech to _get rid_ of the liquid.

The weapons safely locked in the storage unit in his berthroom, he decided to call someone who might have more experience with this kind of thing. At least the alcohol part. He slumped in the chair in the command center as the signals rung out on the speaker phone. Well, command center was a fancy description. The room with the phones and an old monitor and some military reject communication equipment.

"Lennox."

"Hello. This is Optimus. I hope I don't disturb you at this hour."

"Hey, big man. Not a problem. What's up?"

"Do you have any experience with alcohol?"

There was a snort on the other end if the line. "Might have some experience, yes. What do you need to know?"

"Well, it seems my mechs have gotten ahold of some strong alcohol and have ingested it. And now everybot is behaving very inappropriately. Also, Mikaela is drunk."

Now it was a full on laugh. "Okay. What's the question, though?"

"Is it normal to engage in... Strange behavior? Ironhide was picking a fight with a car, I have half armored _Decepticons_ running around here and mechs are almost interfacing in public on the couch." Optimus ended the meaning in a mumble.

"Yup, that sounds average, unfortunately for you. I think it's safe to say that you can expect them to fall asleep and tomorrow, they will wake up with bad hangovers including headaches, nausea and vomiting, sensitivity to light and noise and possibly angst due to memory loss and/or said ridiculous behavior. If they react anything like humans do." There was mirth in Lennox's voice.

"I wonder where they even got the ridiculous amounts of alcohol. It's packed in what looks like reused soda bottles and plastic jugs."

Lennox was silent for a long moment before he answered.

"That _might_ be _my_ bad. Ironhide asked for sheet metal, some pipes and stuff. I figured he was going to do some plumbing...." He trailed off.

"I don't understand what that has to do with this."

"Weeell, it seems your crew has taken up some moonshining."

"What's moonshining?" Optimus couldn't wrap his processor around what light reflecting on the surface of the moon would have to do with the glitching taking place in his base.

"Moonshine is slang for homemade, illegally produced alcohol."

Optimus groaned and dragged his hand over his helm in a very human gesture of despair. This day kept getting worse.

"Optimus, I'm really sorry about this. I had no idea what he was planning."

"No no, it's... fine. I'll handle it. Thank you for the information."

He hung up, basically numb. Getting up to go back to the merry band of idiots, he was interrupted when his comm pinged and slumped back down in the chair and accepted the call on the screen in front of him. He startled when he saw Megatron. _Great_. Optimus felt like screaming.

What else would go wrong this horrible evening? All he wanted was some energon, a stupid movie and some recharge. Then he got an idea to get this mess sorted out and a sliver of hope and relief slithered through his processor.

 

* * *

 

Megatron watched the Prime startle with the same look as a greasedeer caught in the headlights. Then the Autobot commander (were they even commanders now that the war was over?) visibly relaxed.

"Megatron, thank Primus!"

Megatron raised an optic ridge.

"' _Megatron, thank Primus?_ ' Now those are sweet words I never thought I'd hear out of your vocalizer." And then his amusement turned into suspicion. Was the Prime acting to throw him off his balance?

"I'm a few seekers short on my crew. They left earlier without disclosing where they were going and the last trace I have is a warpdrive activation not far from you. I suppose you wouldn't know anything about that?" He let the unspoken threat permeate his tone, because he was certain the Autobots had something to do with the disappearance and of course he suspected foul play.

"Oh, I have seen more than enough to last a lifetime." The Prime muttered making a slightly disgusted face.

"What?" Megatron intended to snarl but he was too bewildered by the Prime's comment.

Optimus seemed to snap out of it.

"How many are you missing?"

"Missing is a strong word, but there's three unaccounted for."

"Good point. Well Skywarp, Dirge and Thrust are here. I suppose they came here by their own machinations but I have no idea. They are not held against their will. You're free to fetch them." Prime's voice took on a harsher tone. "No, _screw_ that, you _are_ coming over here to get them."

"What the pit is going on over there?" He stared at the Prime's face on the screen. Irritation was unusual in the stoic mech and without his battle mask it was even more clear. Normally he didn't show much emotion but now his patience seemed worn thin.

"Just _get_ _your aft over here!_ And bring Astrotrain or Motormaster, I doubt you will be able to get them home otherwise."

"And why is that, Prime?" He growled, narrowing his optics.

"They are drunk as skunks, as the humans would put it." Then, staring down at the table and muttering mostly to himself, he added "Though I have yet to see a specimen of that particular species of mammals intoxicated." He snapped back to his conversation with Megatron. "But I digress. You won't be able to carry them all and they won't be flying anywhere by themselves. Just get. Here. Now." And then he cut the comm link.

Megatron stared at the dark screen. Before, he would be outraged that Prime hung up on him. He would be thrilled that the Autobot leader showed such weakness. But now, not so much. This truce was proving to be a nice break in the eons of war that had passed and now he was worried that his seekers would ruin it. Sure, they all had a hard time to find purpose in their new functioning, but he had high hopes for that changing with time. Not being paranoid about infiltration, not always being short on recharge because they were stretched thin to surveil the Autobots and being able to just lounge in the sun on this mudball they were currently stuck on was actually kind of a relief.

"Megatron: follow the Prime's wishes. Truce: strengthening. Seekers: grateful for assistance."

"You think so, Soundwave? Is the Prime honest?"

"Prime: flustered but truthful. No deception detected. Would also be grateful for assistance. Surveillance: no signs of ambush."

"I'll go then."

He left his command center and headed for the Autobots base, missing the smug flash of Soundwave's visor.

 

* * *

 

When Optimus finally got back to the rec room the party had quieted down considerably. Skywarp and Jazz were recharging snuggled together on the couch and the Prime wondered how they would react waking up in that position with clearer processors. Thrust and Bumblebee was talking in the corner.

Dirge was bawling his optics out and Mikaela tried to soothe the distressed seeker. It really looked hilarious, the big Decepticon with the nasty reputation crying like an earth child with the tiny human girl sitting on his thigh protoform, awkwardly trying to pet him in a comforting way on the tiny area she was able to reach.

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker was painting a wall. The normally talented twins was doing a terrible job but Optimus didn't try to stop them. Repainting it later wouldn't exactly be a punishment since they both enjoyed painting, but maybe it would be a good distraction for his team to keep them occupied and stay out of trouble.

No point in breaking this up now, he mused. The riotous tone from before was gone and he felt pretty certain that the worst shenanigans would be over by now. And since everybot seemed to get along surprisingly well he might as well let them carry on and just monitor it. He  picked up a jug from the floor, but when he heard Megatron arrive, a second set of thrusters following, he headed outside to meet his old arch enemy. He almost felt like a parental unit, about to rat out a bunch of unruly teenagers to their creators.

He stepped out to find Megatron and Astrotrain with their backs to him, staring at something on the ground. Steeling himself, he went to join them.

 

* * *

 

Megatron flew low to avoid the humans detecting him and Astrotrain. Not that he was flying with dubious intent. No, nowadays he _could_ move about, they were accepted as refugees. But the organics tended to freak out if they flew, so mostly they opted to scan a ground vehicle and drive. It irked him, as he loved to fly, but he was learning to enjoy driving as well.

But not tonight. He wanted to get this over and done with, whatever was going on. Banking hard, they pulled a lap around the building and transformed seamlessly to land in the parking lot.

He stared. Reset his optics and stared more.

"What the...?" Astrotrain trailed off.

Craters in the pavement and a partially blown up piece of scrap car aside, what really had them vocalizer-smacked was the weapons master. The fearsome mech laid sprawled on the ground, snoring heavily in recharge. His pede waggled, not dissimilar to one of the planets native canids.

Optimus stepped up beside them.

"Oh, right. I forgot. Will you hold this, please?" He gave Megatron a plastic container half full of a clear liquid.  
  
Megatron stared at it in confusion as Optimus hoisted Ironhide up over his shoulder. The former warlord noticed that the Prime had no problem lifting the bulky mech. Still not weak.

"Come inside, I'm just going to put this one to berth."

Prime said it as if it was obvious, perfectly normal even, and it threw Megatron's processor for a loop. The Autobot seemed entirely careless that he had the Slagmaker and one of his heavy hitters behind him, and he wondered if it was because they were led into a trap. He followed the tall red and blue mech anyway, Astrotrain taking a spot slightly behind his right shoulder, both on full alert as they walked through the corridor.

"What happened to him?"

"Passed out. Like I said, drunk as skunks."

"What is "drunk" and how did he become it? Will it last?"

Optimus opened a door and waved the two Decepticons inside.

"Have a seat. I'll be right back." The Prime jostled the mech on his shoulder for emphasis and disappeared.

Megatron looked around. It seemed like they were in the comm room or something similar. The Prime was brave to trust them enough to leave them there alone, he'd give him that. Or maybe they were closely monitored.

"This is strange, my Lord." Astrotrain broke the silence, looking around warily.

The warlord dipped his head in agreement, but both mechs sat down on a couch in the middle of the room. They looked up when Optimus returned. The Autobot still didn't wear his battle mask. Either he was overconfident or plain stupid. Megatron felt a little offended. Wasn't he considered a bigger threat than that?

"So, what is really going on here? You still haven't explained what kind of state 'drunk' is and where are my seekers?"

"Drunk is a human term for intoxication. They refer to the effect of drinking alcohol, and that is indeed what most of the mechs around here has done. Including your seekers. 'Drunk as a skunk' is an expression when you have been drinking a lot and is highly intoxicated."

"So, your weapons specialist recharging in the parking lot fits in how?"

Optimus stared at him, weighing his words.

"Apparently, being drunk make mechs, and humans alike, lose all inhibitions, their motor skills and judgement. Ironhide was picking a fight with a car. He accused it of trying to take his femme, said femme being the human owner of the car. Most of the shots missed the car, hence the blown up parking lot."

Megatron widened his optics. In all his long life, he'd never heard anything like it. He knew the energetic rush of being overcharged on high grade energon but this sounded.... ridiculous.

Optimus arched an optic ridge, as if sensing the mechs astonishment.

"I have to say it isn't the worst thing I've seen tonight. Imagine my surprise when I was nearly trampled by a group of five mechs and one human, racing through the hallway in _nothing_ but their own protoform or skin. Three of them being _your seekers_. I did _not_ need to know that Skywarp has purple LED modifications on his spike, thank you very much."

Astrotrain barked a surprised laugh and Megatron felt his jaw plate hang open. His suspiciousness and caution was suddenly forgotten. This was too fragged up to be a plot against him.

"How did they even aquire this substance? It sounds like something even the Cybertronian Senate would ban!" He was struggling to wrap his helm around this.

Optimus rubbed his neck, suddenly looking sheepish.

"Alcohol isn't illegal in itself, but making it without permits _is_. Somebot here seems to have found out how to make substantial amounts of it. How your seekers are involved in this mess, I do not know."

"They will be severely punished." Megatron growled. Peace or not, this ridiculous behavior, mingling with the enemy was still very undecepticonlike.

"Don't. I think we can afford to be a bit lenient."

"Don't tell me how to handle my soldiers, Prime!" Nothing ever changed. He couldn't be in the same room as the Autobot for more than a few minutes before they disagreed on something.

"That's the thing, though. We finally have peace, after eons of war, and nobot seems to know how to handle it. Technically, they aren't soldiers anymore. So what are they? I think it's mostly boredom that set this off. Besides, I consulted a human about the effects of alcohol. I think they'll be plenty punished tomorrow, having 'hangovers'."

"Huh." Megatron answered noncommittally, looking up 'hangover' on the humans internet. He didn't want to seem totally uneducated in the humans culture.

His optics fell on the container Prime had handed him before and realization dawned on him. Megatron lifted the jug and opened it. He sniffed it and snorted an exvent at the smell. A quick scan told him nothing about the effect but he was getting curious.

"Have you tried it?" He asked.

"No." Optimus made a face. "The smell was enough."

"But there must be some kind of appeal. I mean if everybot has had a lot..."

"You want to try?" The Prime sounded incredulous. Perhaps it was because he had seen the effects first hand.

"Well, maybe just a taste?"

Optimus grunted noncommittally but got up and grabbed a couple of empty cubes.

"You want some?" He asked Astrotrain.

"Yeah. Sounds... Interesting." He said, looking to Megatron for approval.

The Decepticon leader nodded and Optimus put three cubes on the table. Megatron poured a generous amount.

Astrotrain was first and took a deep swig, maybe because he wasn't the brightest of them. There _was_ a reason the other two were the leaders of the factions after all. He sputtered at the harsh sting. Megatron rolled his optics and Optimus tried and failed to hide a smirk. It was still strange to see the mech without his battle mask after the eons of war.

The leaders sipped their drinks. Megatron made a face. It tasted as bad as it smelled. He took a deeper swig and swallowed it quickly. That was better. It still gave a burning feeling but the taste didn't linger.

Megatron took another shot from his glass but he had to admit to himself that he started to feel the effects. His frame was heating up and he felt relaxed, his processors getting a little fuzzy.

They sat quietly for a little while, sipping their drinks. Megatron could really feel the effects now and he suspected Optimus could too. Astrotrain had already finished his drink and poured himself another one. Fleetingly, Megatron wondered if that was really a good idea, but the thought vanished as quickly as it had appeared. He took another swig.

"Not too quickly." The Prime warned.

"Don't tell me what to do, Prime." Megatron growled. Trust Optimus to be able to get on his nerves.

"If you had seen what I have, you would know I'm just trying to save your pride and dignity."

Megatron arched an optic ridge. This sounded a lot like every other conversation they had ever had.

"And, on a more selfish note, I want you to be able to fly home later. We don't know anything about how much we can handle." Optimus said but still he sipped his own drink. "Hey, actually, I can show you what has been going on here tonight."

Prime got up and started the computer on the table. He pulled up two chairs and turned to the warlord, grinning like a turbohyena. "Security footage."

 

* * *

 

It _was_ ridiculous. The foul tasting fuel might be to blame for their relaxed amusement but Megatron found himself snickering, snorting and flat out laughing alongside the Autobot to the footage he showed. The look on the Prime's face when the naked bunch of idiots almost plowed into him...

And then that stupid game with the electro shocks. His fuzzy processors made curiosity win over his carefully nursed derision towards humans.

"What's a nipple?" The words were out before he could stop himself.

"Sensitive buds on the chest. The female's nipples function to nurse the sparklings. And both sexes can stimulate them for pleasure when interfacing." Optimus didn't sound embarrassed at all by his close to clinical recitement of the use of obviously intimate parts.

Maybe he wasn't such a prude after all. Megatron sipped his drink again, glancing over his shoulder at Astrotrain. The triple changer was sunken deep in the couch, watching cartoons on the small TV, a cube of alcohol on his ventral plating. Earth culture seemed to seep in among the Decepticons too. _Huh_. He turned back to Optimus.

"That's... A little weird. But interesting. How do _you_ know though?"

"Studying the species of the planet is kind of a hobby of mine. And the internet is an endless source of knowledge of the human's quite interesting mating practices. Lots of pictures and video clips" Optimus clapped his servo over his vocalizer, his EM field flaring with embarrassment.

Megatron didn't get why that had embarrassed the Prime. But he hadn't searched the internet either. Then he saw a smirk cross Optimus' faceplates. It was gone as quickly as it appeared, but he was certain what he'd seen. It seemed out of place on the Autobot, something he'd never thought Optimus capable of. Had he truly never known his arch enemy at all?

"I understand it feels kind of like stimulating the data ports under the chest plates."

"What?" Megatron felt his jaw drop.

"Have you never done that?" Optimus sounded incredulous.

"What? No, I... what?" The warlord found himself stuttering and his faceplates heating with embarrassment.

" _Really_?" Prime arched an optic ridge, a slow smile curving his lips. He glanced at Astrotrain but turned his optics back to Megatron almost instantly.

"Not even to self-service? Nobot's done it to you when 'facing?" That smile was turning smug.

"I usually just frag somebot into the floor or some other hard surface." Megatron felt himself become defensive out of embarrassment. He'd never done that sort of explorations because interfacing had been too laced with the need to establish dominance or for punishment. And self-serviceing had never been enough satisfying to bother with. Come to think of it, he was kind of inexperienced and now the enemy was finding out.

"Huh." The Prime looked thoughtful. "Flare your plates."

"What?!"

"Come on, I'm not going to hurt you. I'll just give you a.... demonstration." _Was that a leer?!_ It was _definitely_ a leer _._

Megatron hesitated. It would make him vulnerable. Mostly to mockery, for being millions of vorns old and still behaving like a blushing virgin. And that decided it. He was not going to show Prime that he was insecure.

Chest plates flared, giving the other mech access, and Optimus rolled his chair closer. Blunt but clever digits traced the seams in the warlord's armor, searching for the panels that covered his data couplings. Megatron hissed a sharp intake involuntarily. No touch he had ever received before had made his interface systems ping a request to initiate this quickly. He shut it down but when Optimus found the small panels and popped them open with muffled klicks, the request pinged again. The Autobot smirked knowingly at him, a predatory gleam in his optics the warbuild never thought him capable of.

And then the 'bot flicked both his couplings. Megatron squirmed. Just a little, but enough for Optimus' smile to widen into something wicked. He tweaked one port between his fingers and stroked the other with his thumb. The messages in Megatron's HUD popped up quicker than his fuzzy processors could shut them down and it was mostly a good amount of luck that had him closing his interface panel almost instantly when it automatically started to slide away. The telltale hydraulic hiss and the sound of his panel unlatching and relocking had Optimus grinning triumphantly and if Megatron hadn't been too occupied with the sensations the Prime was still administering, he would have been humiliated.

Optimus continued his explorations of the warlord's sensors, quickly finding exactly how he should treat the couplings. When he leaned in and dragged his glossa over one of them, Megatron moaned, _and when the pit did he arch back in his chair?!_ His HUD showed an urgent request for opening his valve cover, something that had _never_ happened before and he could feel the lubricant pooling behind it even before he saw the message about the priming being successful.

Then Optimus stopped. Megatron groaned in confused frustration. He straightened and struggled to regain his bearings.

"I take it your couplings are quite sensitive." Optimus commented offhandedly.

 _How_ could the Autobot remain so composed after _that?!_ Embarrassment for his own frame's reactions, anger at Optimus for seemingly doing that as just an experiment warred with his confusion for the raw _want_ he felt for the red and blue mech. The mech that clearly was not at all the prude Megatron had always thought he was. He had a skillset that Megatron found himself wanting to explore.

Then he remembered their company. Horrified, he swiveled around in his chair, his systems still fuzzy from the alcohol almost sending him toppling out of it, at the thought that Astrotrain would have witnessed him coming apart from just a few touches of his enemy. _Former_ enemy?

"He's in recharge. Has been for a little while. Guess he found our limits." Prime answered his thoughts.

Megatron heaved a relieved exvent. When he finally managed to collect himself, Prime had already turned back to the monitors.

"And everyone else is recharging too. Congratulations Megatron, you're staying the night. Another drink?"

There was just a slight sarcasm in Optimus voice, but enough for Megatron to catch it. It wasn't offensive, though. It just made the Prime seem more like a regular mech. One that got worn out by pranking whatever-in-commands. That laughed at the ridiculousness that happened tonight. Maybe even one that might enjoy a little petty vengeance....

"Yes, please. And I have an idea. Now what was it you said about hangovers?"

* * *

 

 

The doors to the rec room slammed open, as if hit by a frelling battering ram.

"ATF! Nobody move! You're under arrest for use of illegal alcohol, production of alcohol, possession of illegal firearms and running around naked!"

The sound of multiple armed humans moving in with practiced speed got drowned out by the sirens of the black and white cruiser skidding inside, bullhorn blaring.

The snoozing 'bots, 'cons and the odd human literally panicked themselves out of recharge. Skywarp kept his grip on Jazz, because he was already wrapped around the spec ops mech, and frantically warped them back and forth across the room three times, stopping when the sudden movement made them both retch.

"Washracks! Across the hall!" Jazz retched, pointing at the open doors, and two 'whops' later everyone listening could hear purging of tanks.

Wheelie threw himself under Bumblebee, Dirge fell out of the chair he was sunken into and Sunstreaker, now with the pet name Streaker instead of Sunny, ran into the wall in his haste to get away.

Mikaela screeched, making everybody flinch and cover their audials. Thrust, whom Mikaela had been snuggled up against, threw himself over her to cover the fragile human, cause, hey, it's a good excuse, right?

"Is she related to Starscream?" Megatron asked Optimus, arms crossed, watching the mayhem unfold.

"I don't think that's possible, but..." Prime trailed off.

"Cade, you fragging tailpipe! Why'd you do this?!" Skywarp growled weakly at the sleek mustang. He clearly needed some more sleep and something to relieve the helmache. At least he wasn't green now that he'd purged his tanks.

"You went to a party. Nobot invited me. Ergo, I stay loyal to our leaders and do their bidding." Barricade shrugged, making no mistake when he proposed not being exclusive in his support for Megatron.

Ironhide, better off than most since he passed out earlier than anyone else, lumbered in. Mikaela, who had crawled out from being close to squashed under the seeker, found her sweater and pulled it on as she went to meet him. He handed Mikaela a bag and she moaned when she realized he'd brought cola, donuts and aspirin. They headed outside and Optimus followed them with his optics.

"I wonder if any one of them are aware of what happened to her car yesterday." He mused out loud, turning to follow them.

"Thank you, Will. For your advice yesterday and your effort here. And thank you everyone else for dressing up and playing cops and robbers at this early hour." He called out over his shoulder.

Lennox, wearing a borrowed swat uniform, grinned up at the towering mechs. "No problem, this was fun!"

The groggy mechs, by now busy trying to find their own pieces of armor that was thrown haphazardly all over the room, looked up and scowled at the leaders. Megatron smirked.

"Did the two of you stage this wakeup?" Jazz hissed. "That's very... Decepticon of you." He snarled at Optimus.

Prime just snorted a laugh and raised an optic ridge. Megatron followed him outside and they both hurried up when they heard another one of Mikaela's squeals.

"What the fuck happened to my car?!"

She turned and her eyes narrowed, locking at Megatron.

"This was you, wasn't it, you fragging oaf?" She snarled

"Mika..." Optimus started in a concerned, warning tone, but she cut him off.

"Still not my father, Optimus. But I am sorry..." Her voice turned venomous. "... oh _mighty_ Lord Megatron." The last part dripped with sarcasm.

Megatron merely raised his optic ridges and turned to Prime.

"You are absolutely certain that she is _not_ related to Starscream?"

"She isn't." The grumpy voice made both leaders turn to look at Ratchet, who had come to investigate all the ruckus.

"What? I checked. I had my own suspicions." Ratchet shrugged unrepentantly.

"Ask Ironhide about the car." Optimus told Mikaela.

She turned her glare on the stocky 'bot. He rubbed his neck, looking away.

"I don't really remember..." He paused, frowning. "I think I might have shot at it." It was barely a whisper.

"He accused it of 'eyeballing his woman' and goaded it into the most one-sided fight in the history." Optimus provided.

Mikaela tore into Ironhide, as if having forgotten her hangover. Or maybe she wasn't as bad off as anybot else. She definitely had the most experience with alcohol of all participants from the party, young as she was.

"You _will_ drive me everywhere. And if I decide to bring a date, you cannot transform and wave your guns around. Even when I decide to frag some random little highschool geek on your hood."

"No you won't." Ironhide growled.

"No?! Watch me!" A sly smirk stretched her lips. "Or maybe I should ask _Thrust_ instead. I bet he'd just _love_ to take me everywhere. A flashy jet would be even better to pick up boys."

"That's enough, woman! You're not going to ask a frelling _seeker_ to be your personal cab." Ironhide picked her up and she squealed as he stalked off.

Megatron turned to Optimus. "If i were you, that human would be taught a lesson about insubordination." Then he frowned. "Are they... You know... Interfacing or something?"

"Whaat?!" Mikaela had obviously heard the question. Ironhide stopped and both of them wore comic expressions of disgust when the flood of denial started.

"How would we even..."

"He's millions of years old."

"...organic."

"Eew"

"... difference in size....."

"Breakable...."

Somewhere mid rant they stopped addressing the others and Ironhide started walking away. They were still talking over each other.

"If I had punished her for being mouthy, we would have missed _that_ , for one. She tends to be quite amusing as is. I have no idea about their relationship. They are basically attached by the hipstruts, but that's the reaction we get every time we ask."

The leaders filled Ratchet in on the days events. He had missed the entire ordeal, being at work. Ratchet had a part-time job at the emergency services and had worked the graveyard shift. The medic had just gotten home and managed to fall into recharge when the "raid" had taken place. After a few grouchy comments about immature leaders, he headed back to berth, hoping that _this time,_ he wouldn't be startled awake to promptly fall out of it again.

Optimus nudged Megatron, bringing his attention to Jazz and Skywarp. He barely caught their little touches and the whispered "comm me".

"We have to keep an eye on those two." Optimus said, low enough to not reach the audials of the mechs in question.

"What, you think a Decepticon isn't good enough for your 'bot?" Megatron growled, annoyed and disappointed.

"No, you of all mechs should know by now that I don't see us that way. But just think of it: Jazz isn't just mischievous, he is also the spy that has infiltrated your ships successfully more times than anybot else. Pair him up with your number one prankster, who just happens to have a _warpdrive_... Or do you enjoy having your berth wired to electrical cattle fences?"

Megatron's face fell. "How did you know that?"

"I just showed you parts of everything I've seen and heard this last 24 hours. Skywarp is a blabbermouth when he's drunk. Especially when it comes to taking credit for pranks he's pulled." Optimus smirked at having rocked the normally inscrutable warlord yet again. "But I feel generous, so I'll tell you that in some mysterious way, a skunk ended up in my quarters a few weeks ago, and I don't believe for a second that it got there by itself. The odour was horribly hard to get rid of."

Megatron barked a laugh. Astrotrain came walking up, looking tired but in better shape than the rest of them. Dirge's wings had been painted, but it was not a pretty paint job. It looked more like a bunch of fiveyearold squishies had been at work. Thrust had managed to get his wings back, one attached so far, and he was trying to get the other one in place. Sideswipe helped him out and Megatron decided that they were ready to go. Astrotrain transformed to shuttle mode and Barricade parked inside to hitch a ride. They flew out slowly, the seekers whinig about the loud noise from their engines.

****

It was a couple of weeks later that Optimus yet again found his crew bored and out of money. At least there hadn't been any more drinking, but nobody would tell him what had happened to the still. Ratchet's work earned some, and he had been driving back and forth, hauling goods until exhaustion but their efforts only got them so far. And then Sideswipe happened.

"Boss, we got an idea to earn some money!" The 'bot was almost bursting with pride, but Optimus still got a bad feeling. None of them were sparklings, they could take jobs without asking him.

"As long as it's legal." He sighed.

"We should make a calendar."

"What?"

"Well, you know. Flare some plating, pop a few panels..." Sideswipe trailed off.

"Take some pictures and sell a calendar." Sunstreaker finished the sentence.

"We might need money, but we're _not_ going to sell our frames."

"It's not like that. We consider it selling our time." Sunstreaker said.

"Come on, Optimus. Most of us are in on it. I bet we could get Mikaela to take the pictures. She's really good and she wants to become a pro photographer." Sideswipe actually whined a little.

Optimus exvented deeply. Did this happen to _anybot_ else? He wasn't too keen on it, it felt like the step between this and selling his frame wasn't all that big. And he doubted Mikaela would be interested. How did you even ask someone for something like that? But they did need money. Would it even be lucrative on this planet where most of the population was not Cybertronian?

"Fine. Ask her." He dragged a servo over his helm.

****

"Who is even going to buy it?" Optimus was still hesitant about it.

"Techno geeks, carlovers, the Decepticons... Not to speak of all the pervs reading and writing fanfiction. I'm in." Mikaela stated

"What?!" Optimus stared at the tiny human femme in front of the gathered 'bots.

"You need money, I need money. This could give me more opportunities as a photographer." Mikaela counted off the points on her fingers. "So, who's gonna pose?"

Cheering and back-slapping drowned out whatever Optimus was about to say.

****

"Lookin' good, Jazz. Skywarp helped you with the polish?"

"Yep." Jazz answered, popping the 'p'.

"Aaw, say Hi from me. Now, just flare those plates a little. Aand lean a tiny bit to your left.

****

"Aah! Wheelie! Let go of that!"

"It's not sexy?" Wheelie's face fell.

"Just a teensy, tiny bit too much. We want it tasteful. You should look tasty. I'll keep my eyes closed until you depressurize that and put it away."

"Ok. Done."

"That's better. And Wheelie?"

"Yeah."

"Nice LEDs."

****

"Pop that plate."

Ironhide grunted but obeyed.

"Spin your cannons, babe."

"Like this?"

"Oh, yeah."

****

"Can I flash my lights? I think they really bring out the red in my eyes."

"Wait a sec... Hm, you're right. Flash away, gorgeous. Ouch! No sirens please.  
They don't really come through in the picture..."

"Sorry Mikaela." Barricade looked contrite.

"Rev your engine, though."

"But that won't come through either?"

"No, but I like it."

****

"Please, just pop the panel." Mikaela dragged her hand through her hair in exasperation.

"No. I don't want to be put on display like that."

"What did you think you signed up for? Everyone else has opened panels, dropped some armor and flared plating."

"It's just... Lewd."

"You need money. This is a way to aquire some of those. It's not like I'm asking you to interface for pay."

"It feels like it."

"Optimus, we didn't point a gun at your head to make you agree with this. Besides, you're doing plenty of good deeds here. Money for you and for me, helping me out with getting my career started."

"But why _that_ panel?"

"Don't worry, it's not like I plan to have your entire array on full display. And I promise not to stare. Give me some credit, I am a professional." Mikaela sounded slightly offended but it turned challenging at her next words. "I could probably get one of the seekers to pose if you don't. I mean, we already have Sky and Cade. This is turning into a joint operation. If you're too shy."

"I'll do it.

Optimus resigned and Mikaela heard the clicking of opening panel locks and a low hydraulic hissing as she fidgeted with her camera.

"Excellent. Now I have an idea..."

****

"Megatron! Skywarp has revealed what the Autobots has been up to!" Blackout addressed their leader but commed everyone, excitement in the databurst.

The glorious leader of the Decepticons headed for the bridge. Well, it was an old cafeteria in their warehouse, but it was where he made his decisions and kept his communication equipment and the surveillance monitors and he liked the sound of calling it the bridge, slaggit.

They had been keeping tabs on the Autobots going's about, partially because it was a familiar task to do in these strange times, and they had been up to something. Nothing pointed to it being anything against the Decepticons but still. _Oh, fraggit! They were bored and curious._

Megatron had suspected that Skywarp might  know something, but the mech flat out denied it and Megatron had decided to take a page out of the Prime's book and not torture the glitch until he spilled the bytes. The prospect of Skywarp and his spybot of a boyfriend turning their combined ire on him made him outright shudder. Of course, he would never admit it.

The 'bots had been quite secretive and that made it all the more interesting. Perhaps they had come up with a way to aquire money? The Decepticons were constantly short on it and he suspected the 'bots had the same problem. Being Decepticons, they would normally just plunder and pillage but the peace treaty made that impossible, at least until the humans relaxed and stopped monitoring their moves as doggedly as now.

He entered the room to find a flock of his mechs crowding around Starscream, who was flipping through something.

"The Autobots made a calendar! Skywarp gave us one." Blackout called out.

Megatron joined the huddle to look. Starscream was narrating every picture with biting comments. He seemed to be the one of them to have the hardest time adjusting to their new life. The others looked far more enthusiastic.

"Way too go, Warp! He's hot!" Blackout stated when they saw Jazz's picture and that earned him a glare from Starscream.

"I know!" Skywarp grinned like the Cheshire cat.

There were a few longing comments about Ironhide's guns, powered up, and the smooth metal glinting in the sunlight. The room erupted into wild cat calls and hooting when a page was flipped, revealing Barricade.

"Slaggit, mech! For a grounder, you look really hot." Dirge called to the former interrogator.

"You knew this too and didn't deem it fit to tell us?" Starscream snarled to the mustang.

"I took an oath to keep my mouth shut. To Mikaela. She's fearsome." Barricade shuddered slightly. "And I wouldn't get paid if I blabbed."

Megatron snorted. The girl was a spitfire, but what made him laugh was the remembrance that even Ratchet had thought that she was related to Starscream. That had been an interesting night. Maybe they should get together again.

Starscream had turned to the last page. Optimus Prime was "Mr December". The tall Autobot was polished to the highest shine Megatron had ever seen, baring a few streaks of dust and mud that did nothing to lessen his appeal. He just looked rugged, as if he had been working hard up until that picture was taken. His interface panel was obviously open but he held that gleaming energon sword of his in front of him, blocking the view from his intimate parts.

Starscream scoffed but turned slowly, almost theatrically, at the sound of cooling fans clicking on.

" _Really_ , Megatron?!"

He threw the calendar on the table and stalked towards the door, stopping halfway to turn and fix his leader with a glare.

"Prime?!" Starscream's voice raised an octave and he theatrically threw his hands in the air before he turned to walk away again.

At the door, he paused again. "And don't bother  coming to _my_ room tonight. You have your own berth. You can share it with your precious Prime!" Grand exit, complete with slammed door.

Everybody stared after him for long seconds before they turned to Megatron, who just shrugged.

"He must be glitching. I've never shared his berth."

Soundwave, who seemed to have lightened up a lot with the peace, was shaking with laughter.

"Starscream: watches a lot of daytime soap operas."

Megatron grabbed the calendar. "Mind if I borrow this?"

He headed for his own room. He missed Soundwave's meaning flash of his visor that shut everybot up and Skywarp's knowing smirk.

**Author's Note:**

> Do we need some citrus from when Megatron decides to let Optimus explore him more thoroughly?
> 
> Trying to edit the breaks with lines instead of the **** marks but the page keeps crashing. Sorry 'bout that, hope it doesn't ruin it too much. I'll try later again.


End file.
